Over the years I’ve noticed stretchmarks appearing all over my body. And last year, they started on my stomach.
Before I used to fear getting intimate with a partner, through fear that they’ll find my stretchmarks unattractive. Caused me to end relationships, even before they got going. Through fear, I hid my body behind layers of black clothing and hoped that I’m not noticed as I continued with my daily way of living, (work, etc.) I tried many things to make them ‘vanish!’ Such as oils, creams and bathing products that promised ‘to relieve or completely remove, the appearance of stretchmarks.’ They did nothing.
Having them on my ass and backs of my legs didn’t bother me as much at first, as I couldn’t see them, unless I looked at them. but this one on my stomach, really upset me as I saw it each day and night. I cried, I wished, I begged, I even prayed – for them to go away.
Wasn’t until I had gotten back in contact with History, that I learnt to love myself more. I’m not saying find yourself someone to love you first before loving yourself. I’m saying, I was viewing things through my blurred vision, bought on by tears. And forgot to appreciate that I have a heartbeat, I’m alive. So many before/after me, aren’t around today. I should value my life more and through diet and exercise I’ll learn to love myself more and value my selfworth.
I remember many years ago, breakfast had to be; scrambled eggs, bacon, sausages, beans, 4 slices of toast and a big sploge of ketchup.
One day I was happily devouring this ‘frequent’ meal down, when I experienced chest pains…sharp pains that forced me to stop eating and sit still for a moment in time. I subconsciously (and to avoid causing myself a state of alarm,) placed this down to eating too fast!
I ignored my body, it was crying out for me to stop…but I couldn’t. This food made me feel happy – you know, intervals of happiness, almost like a natural high. My body and state of mind became medicated by the want to eat more. I felt lethargic and horrible after eating so much…then looking in the mirror afterward, I just used to convince myself that this is my life and I could never be slimmer.
You need to remember to listen to your body, it communicates with you daily!
I couldn’t bare eating in the kitchen, the added stares and commentary, after I’ve just prepared all this joy on a plate. I began taking my fried sensations, up to my bedroom with a large cup of sugary tea. And a side serving of a packet of biscuits.
Many years ago, that was my life. That was breakfast time.
Today I do eat breakfast (almost every morning,) however gone are the fried varieties of food, gone is that ‘hurry hurry’ attitude to eat. I now take time preparing a healthy bowl of porridge 🤤
Believe this or not, I completed this last year. However, before and after the event I chowed down on junk food and had intervals of ‘healthy eating,’ completing 21 days of Veganuary. However, as per usual, just like the last 10+ years of living unhealthy, I reverted back to my comforting but detrimental ways of life.
The hidden bag of chicken & chips, extra portions of dinner, lunch and the cheese toasties for breakfast. And the repetitive notion, ‘I’ll start dieting tomorrow,’ playing in my mind. Ending with a positive smile, that tomorrow I’ll start afresh and mould my body into something spectacular.
My aim is to jog/run the whole race.
I’ve opted for the improver trainer plan because the one below is for those walking…
Officially starting the plan Monday; but doing a healthy food shop today to get me started.
Another weakness of mine, is during my period; I crave alsorts! Last month it was potatoes, today its sponge cake and custard.
Terrible I know – ‘I’m greedy!’
I’ve just eaten half sponge cake (with custard) and I know it’s not helpful to my health.
Do you ever struggle with cravings? Are you weak? I sometimes feel (and this sounds bizarre) I feel that through food, I find understanding. For a short period in time and then I think about how much ‘time’ have I put myself back by?
How long will it take me to burn the half sponge cake (and custard) away? When will I eat healthy, consistently and remain confident in my choices? Why do I give in so easily and lead a life of greed and gluttony for the sake of ‘periods & cravings.’
I can and I will, succeed this weakness!
I can and I will, become a healthier version of myself!
Today I’m experiencing one of those days, where I feel everything is going wrong.
Started off with good intentions:
Wake up early.
Eat Greek yogurt.
Read Gun Machine .
Buy cleaning items for new home.
But it just didn’t go to plan…I woke up hot and feeing lethargic. Had a mini spat with mother and that bought my whole day down.
Was so annoyed hours later, that I ordered Chinese takeaway:
Chilli and salted chips
Sweet & sour chicken – Cantonese style
King prawn fried rice – no egg
It took me around 34 minutes to finish, leaving half of prawn and a spoonful of rice.
Washing it all down with a litre of bottled water, (to add the healthy essence to my greediness.)
It’s amazing though isn’t it? How anything in our daily lives can throw us of course…I had good intentions this morning. Now, I browse before/after images on Instagram of those that are sticking to plan or completed it.
Yet here I lay, stomach now full of delights that made me happy for 34 minutes. Or at least caused a great sense of distraction.
I think about all those people that have told me, you’ll never lose weight! And I take that away with me, wherever I go throughout life.
So here I am, being accountable for my actions: I was upset, temporarily fixing myself with a takeaway to fakeaway my feelings about my intentions.
I can stick to plan, I will overcome these challenges!
I’ve decided to blog about my weight journey, as it seems to be just there everyday.
I’ve noticed that things I tend to avoid, are exactly what I should be focusing on.
It’s very hard to face fears, especially when you feel them so frequently. I guess the thought behind this, is that by blogging, I become accountable. By being accountable I can’t avoid my fear…the only way, is to overcome them.
I’ll be writing about alsorts; food, clothing, activities and feelings…surrounding weight.