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The Story of Unique Fatso

Unique Fatso

*Disclaimer, this was written a while ago.

Foundation
I can’t remember how old I was exactly. But I know I was young.
A small booklet arrived with the daily post and was placed in the fruit-bowl by one of my family members. During breakfast, I picked it up and was looking through it, my stepfather entered and pulled on the corner of it. After turning a few pages, he said, ‘you see if I were a girl, I would aspire to be a size 10.’ He then pushed it back toward me and walked away laughing.
I closed the brochure and left the kitchen, heading upstairs to cry. I was never a fat child, I was a part of the sprint team, netball, and running and even swimming. But that moment was to change my life forever.
I remember sitting in my cupboard and placing the earphones in my ears, skipping to track 10 of Rainbow by Mariah Carey and playing it over and over again. ‘…still, I cry, I cry, I cry…’ And that’s all I did, was cry. Not for the true meaning of the song but because my stepfather had just killed any confidence I had.

From then onwards, more and more comments came along and more, and more people joined in:
‘Sorry, I can’t stop staring at your ass, it’s so big.’ – Cousin
‘Look how big your thighs are, ha-ha they’re huge.’ – Aunt (Mother of a cousin)
‘Don’t you think you should join a gym, you look like Fatso from Casper.’ – Grandmother
‘You should stick to salad.’ – Grandmother.
‘Can’t you see how fat you’re getting, you look disgusting.’ – Grandmother

I began to eat more food. I stopped running, swimming, and I tried my best to avoid family gatherings. One of which was my Grandmothers birthday. It was held at a Chinese buffet restaurant. I was so ashamed of my body image that I wore; very long and extra wide black trousers, oversized black t-shirt and a long black cardigan. (Surely, weight gain was gradual but visible.) My Grandmother arrived in a short white dress that had a fluffy rabbits tale on the rear and the Playboy bunny logo on the side. To complement her dress, she wore glass slippers, that had feathers on the toe and white feathered bow around her neck. As she walked past everyone, she paused and said to me, ‘what? Are you jealous?’ I turned my head and continued to eat my broccoli and Chinese chicken curry.

Scenarios similar to that one continued, and for many years, I was forced to endure this. I often wished I could find a large amount of money and have surgery. I longed for one of these people to compliment me. I stopped going out with friends, I stopped making new friends. I found refuge in the thriller section of the school library. With a few bottles of fizzy pop (soda,) bags of sweets, packets of chocolates and often a muffin or two.
Key members of my family made me feel irrelevant. I often dreamt of a life without me being here. I often dreamt of having a stepfather that supported me like his own, a grandmother that loved me for an extended family that didn’t have an invested interest in my waistline and me.
Infrequently, I would vividly dream about my own death. How they would celebrate at my funeral with ample amounts of food and drink. Irony.

Cement
Because of the negative connotations surrounding my body, I had no confidence. Whenever people visited the house, I raced upstairs to my bedroom. During the summer, I avoided going outside…unless I had to.
Because of this mental abuse (which is precisely what it was), I grew up believing that I would never love or be loved. I grew up with a belief embedded in my mind that I was indeed ugly and unlovable.

Point
As a child growing up surrounded by key members in your life, many are telling you that you’re fat and ugly. It is tough to differentiate what is the reality and what is their deluded viewpoint. As a teenager, I struggled immensely when boys showed even the slightest bit of interest, I walked away. I became a recluse, spent endless hours upon hours just daydreaming about a new life, a new body, a new look, a whole new family – well, stepfather, cousins, aunties, uncles, and Grandmother. Not much, I guess.

Today, I no longer speak to those members of my family. The last time I saw my Grandmother was last year on her birthday. She called out to me, I looked at her and continued on my way. I can’t bring myself talk to her anymore, and now that I’m older, I simply don’t have to.
Everyone should realise that abuse isn’t just of a physical nature. Mental abuse cuts just as deep, and the blows can leave an individual unconscious for a lifetime.
Fortunately, I woke up.

Unique Fatso

Fat Fridays: Am I Weak? Or is this a Form of Malfunctioning? Perhaps a Rebirth? – 05.08.2022

Lately, I’ve been in deep bouts of reflection, asking myself if my path is correct. Or the people around me pulling and pushing me in their perceived directions of my true pathway.

Many people around me are holding me back from positive progression, kicking me into a corner and stomping on my creative energy.

Be gone, Unique!

Stay down and quit trying to become a better person.

The people I have trusted to stand beside me and support me as I do them! They’re stabbing me through my heart, adding boulders to my backpack, then smiling and saying, ‘I’ll be back!’ Then I absorb the negative shit and eat more and dwell on my failure to accomplish certain goals. But the thing is, my mind will rot with the negative information I have received, and it’ll fester for several days – at the end of that period, I’ve gained the weight I lost and effectively put myself back at square one.

Through therapy, I realised that I needed to step up and step forward. I’m a woman, a strong woman, a strong black woman, and my life is but once. I will never live again after death, and the time is now.

July was a month of mind cleansing and thought structure. Confidence reprogramming, conversation blocking, a three-minute rejection for being over-qualified, and a metaphorical slap serve as a stern reminder that I have a precious project going on at this point in my life.

I feel like I’ve been given another chance to bloom and root deeply into my purpose in this world.

Live a healthy life,

Love

Unique Fatso

Question vs Statement – 03.08.2022

Weight? It’s Wednesday! – 03.08.2022

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Sometimes

Weight? It’s Wednesday! – 27.07.2022

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Many of Us do This

Fat Fridays: BBQ Belly Buster – 22.07.2022

On the hottest day recorded in UK history, I received an invitation to attend a BBQ!

Usually, I would decline, and to be honest with you, my only plan was to return home and try my best to cool down. However, I rarely go out due to my insecurities about my body and sometimes just wanting time alone.

I felt a sense of delight as I took about two minutes to reply, and even then, I felt great. Getting there was a hard feat. Boarding a bus service where the temperature was x10 hotter than the outside, and the air conditioning remained? No where to be felt.

Sometimes I have these questions about being a fatso and eating food. Like, should I be allowed to eat? I know that sounds weird, but I will think that eating shouldn’t be permitted if you’re fat. I know those thoughts are negative and ridiculous. But I can’t deny those dark thoughts that float around my mind and squeeze my stomach like a free gastric band.

A few roads melted, and we sweated through the baking summer nights. There I was, drooling over a vegan burger being grilled on the BBQ. For a short moment, I thought about how I looked eating – but then I remembered family surrounded me, and the evening was so chilled, and I could sit back and enjoy myself. It was the most excellent evening I’ve enjoyed in a long time, and I appreciate being invited. I’m happy I accepted and went along for fun.

My plate contained the following:

  • 1 Vegan Burger
  • 7 sliced Cherry Tomatoes
  • ½ Cucumber Sliced
  • Coleslaw and a splash of sauce.

I felt like participating in this food event was not for me! I was wrong. Very wrong.

I had the most fantastic experience I’ve had in a long time. Furthermore, my family were happy I showed up. I remembered the only limits that exist in my life, are the ones that I keep slathering across my life.

A lot of changes have been made this month and I feel the benefits from deep within. All progressive and 100% positive.

Live a healthy life,

Love

Unique Fatso

Food by Fatso! 21.07.2022

Unique Fatso
Unique Fatso
Unique Fatso
Unique Fatso
Unique Fatso

Weight? It’s Wednesday! – 20.07.2022

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Fat Fridays: Mindfulness in a World Full of Minds – 15.07.2022

For a long time, I’ve been mentally stuck in a weird space, with a deep fear of progress even though my main goal is to grow and succeed in this life.

There have been a lot of significant changes in my life, added to the intangible factors of certain relationships, and I have experienced mental fatigue.

A few weeks ago, I ventured out alone to a beautiful space within our earth – a stunning garden. I was initially feeling slightly anxious, and the weather was ridiculously hot but lovely all the same.

Once I wandered through the garden, deep into the manicured area, I found an old wooden bench, sat down, sipped freshly squeezed orange juice and began writing in my journal. I haven’t been into writing in my journal for years – I think it has been the fear of opening up because I have been hurt in the past, and even though some people seem genuine, I feel like I can’t always trust them. It’s that innate fear that I’ll be hurt again by someone close to me.

In this stunning garden, I found peace; I sat in silence and wrote from my heart. Like a nuanced conversation with an equal-minded person, basking in the sounds and recording this moment with their mind. I couldn’t have asked for anything else.

Sometimes I find it difficult to speak up about something causing me stress; I tend to bottle up and withdraw. I know that’s unhealthy, but I’m working on it, and there has been a slight improvement in attending therapy sessions. As a result, I’ve gained new insight, or rather a different perspective on how I think about those potent topics in my life. Like how these things influence my relationship with food and why I infrequently feel disappointed in myself. Why do I spend endless hours thinking negatively about my body image and the unhealthy moments where I eat things, knowing I’ll gain weight and feel depressed the next day? A close friend recently became upset, as he thought my behaviour was inappropriate. I became defensive and was rude to him. Finally, I apologised profusely and opened up about my reasons for behaving in such a way. Often, another person or a group of people can overshadow your thoughts with their urgent requests for support. I mean, you will never be more important than their matter of urgency.

My time in this remarkable garden put me in unison with nature, honey bees buzzed by, and I never ran away in fear. I wondered if my hair was attracting them? Perhaps they thought of me as a bright flower and waved as they flew by. I closed my eyes and embraced the heat on my face; outside was here, and I was sitting in the heart of the essence of wildlife.

Love

Unique Fatso

Weight? It’s Wednesday! – 06.07.2022

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Weight? It’s Wednesday! – 22.06.2022

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Fat Fridays: Therapy, Therapy, Therapy! – 17.06.2022

Fat Fridays: Therapy, Therapy, Therapy! – 17.06.2022

I’ve had another session with my new Therapist, and at the end, he asked me, how do I feel? And honestly? I was filled with relief. Finally, I opened up to someone and shared my past, present and potential future fears and jubilations.

                I have never done that before with anyone; moments where I have confided in another person, consist of sharing maybe 2%, and even then, it is never an easy moment. Those people often make assumptions and bombard me with ridiculous notions and sentences they call advice. Followed up with a measly text message; hey Unique, could you help me with this? Then there, we go back to before – as if I’ve not just shared my struggles around my mental health.

Therapy! I once was sceptical and feared trying this, as I temporarily assumed it would never work. I thought spending time talking about my issues was a pointless exercise, and I’ll be the same way as before I started. But, little did I know that a constructed/free-flowing conversation was what I needed to begin the healing process.

                Since having a few sessions, I can confidently say that having therapy is GREAT! Not only because he helps with healing your mind, but because it assists you with climbing out of this rut. I hadn’t trusted this process before; I have faith now.

Are you experiencing challenges with your mental health? I implore you to speak to a Therapist; you may find it a good action to take. For now, I’ll be posting online as and when I feel up to it, and I’ll try my best to not put pressure on myself to complete it. The aim is to back up things I need to do and leisurely tasks as per schedule.

Please, don’t discount this option – try it! IF it works, then it works. If it doesn’t, then at least you have tried it.

Put yourself first! Mental health matters!

You matter.

Love

Unique Fatso

Sunday Snacks During my Period

📸 Unique Fatso

Fat Fridays: Who Really Cares About You? 20.05.2022

During my absence from work, I received several messages here and there. Some I received as people seeking a current topic to pass the time and ponder over a cup of tea or cigarette break. I mean, that is juicier than someone being on sick leave?

Why is it that people feel the need to insert themselves into matters that don’t concern them? Are they truly concerned? Or is it the dark need to know everything about a person, including sexual preferences and the most recent update on Facebook?

I mean, give me a break!

I find it deeply irritating that some people act as if they care, but essentially they’re looking for a quick fix to boost ago and the chance to feel superior to the one returning.

When walking through the entrance, your heart may pound a few beats faster than usual, and you may feel slightly nauseous. It’s okay to feel this way, and those before/after you will probably feel the same. I know it is easy to sit here and write this to you, but trust me, I’m going through it.

The one person I thought I would hear from texted twice, and even after I replied, ‘I’m not okay.’ They paid no attention to that factor, and that was the last I received anything from them. Maybe they were concerned with gossip and nothing more – I guess it’ll be something I’ll never completely know for sure. Perhaps this post is a random ramble of existing insecurities? Or it could be a moment to review my friendships and retract the effort in some and give more to others?

Maybe this is a pity party, and now I need a nap.

Love

Unique Fatso

Weight? It’s Wednesday! – 18.05.2022

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Fat Fridays: No Time to Work Out? But I’ve just Finished a Netflix Season! – 13.05.2022

I would love to start classes at the gym, but I don’t have any time!

Most nights, I turn on the TV, select Netflix and get comfortable on the sofa with a snack, usually plantain chips. Once I’ve finished a series, I crawl into bed during the early hours of the morning and feel a mixture of emotions. On the one hand, I’ve caught up a little with the Netflix series I’m enjoying. But, on the other hand, I sigh at the hours now lost and the little sleep I need to stay mentally alert. Then I repeat the same thing across the week until Wednesday when I weigh myself and see that I have gained weight and wonder why?

     But then I waste hours on Netflix and no time on the actions I need to take in order to lose weight and become a healthier version of myself.

During conversations with others, it appears that the above is a shared experience within our society. Why visit the gym when you can chill at home? Relax at home and have some downtime after a hard day outside?

The moral of the story is that watching Netflix is okay in moderation. However, spending the whole day binging on seasons isn’t healthy, from my experience. Instead, at least 30 minutes could be invested in fitness and understanding which foods work best for your body.

I’m not saying that you’ll change your mind overnight, but you should analyse your time and see how you can best use it to ensure that you benefit from improving your health and downtime for your mind.

We only die once, so try your best to become the healthiest version of yourself.

Love

Unique Fatso

Food by Fatso: Cabbage, Bulgar Wheat, Peppers, Onion, Mushrooms

📸: Unique Fatso

Weight? It’s Wednesday! – 11.05.2022

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Fat Fridays: Colouring, Counselling and Conclusions – 06.05.2022

I have been struggling with my mental health over the last few months, and recently, it has become even more challenging lately. Things that were once grey in my life have now started to form colours, and if I’m candid about it, these memories are hard to process or even accept.

     ‘I’m not sure if we appreciate that we go through so much,’ – Friend. This is true as I have been through a lot, and I forget to take a step back to appreciate that I have survived some shitty days, and I forget to acknowledge that I’m here to tell the tale.

These fractions of my life have interfered with my health and fitness, as I seek comfort through the form of food. Over-indulging in things I know are detrimental to my health and wellbeing. I’m adding salt to fried, baked beans and knowing that this will cause me to become more thirsty and want to drink more fluids.

     A weird cycle that spins around and around, with added sprinkles of salt and extra spoonfuls of sugar and a few packs of crisps.

     I will be having sessions with a Counsellor soon, which I hope will help me process everything and manage my mental health better. Which, in turn, should aid my stability by refraining from the sweet seduction of pancakes with raspberry jam or chips!

Today is a new day and a wonderful time for me to start over, and I know it is something I repeat, repeat, delete and repeat. Weight loss is a challenging affair, and I cheat on it by eating the wrong foods or lack of fitness. I think it’s time for an exploration of the deep mind and a delicate excavation of the reasons my diet keeps failing.

Do I fear the findings? Absolutely, but it’s time to do this and understand the deep-rooted reason I overeat. Once I figure it out, I will update you.

Live a healthy life,

Love

Unique Fatso

Weight? It’s Wednesday! – 04.05.2022

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Fat Fridays: The User and the Provider – 29.04.2022

In my life exists some toxic people I never knew were toxic until I understood the types of toxicity that they have been injecting into my existence. For example, one person never calls me, and when I ring them, they complain that they’ve not heard from me for days! I’ll remind them they can contact me, and they will say, ‘but you’re always busy.’ The conversation then becomes time for them to moan and bitch about all their problems, which they don’t actively seek to do anything about.

     I struggle with this person because I love them dearly, and I want nothing more than for them to lead happier a happier life. But, other times, when I point out that they’re being negative, they get angry and end the call. Then go on to others to complain that I never make an effort to see them or keep in touch.

To resolve this, I reduced my contact with those who bring masses of negative energy into my life. It was not easy as you can imagine, they complained about that too. Making everything about them as if my world revolves around these people, and I exist to serve them and nothing more.

     I have struggled with sticking to this, as I often feel guilty about having time to myself – these people insert crazy notions that I’m not doing anything important. Yet, I have to listen to them complaining, etc.

There will be people who demand extra time and attention from you. But please remember that it is for you to decide if you wish to honour that? You do not owe anyone anything in this life, and you should put yourself first.

Our life is not promised, and we should not feel obligated to allow someone to control them. We must live our lives, be kind to others and embrace happiness.

Love

Unique Fatso

Weight? It’s Wednesday! – 27.04.2022

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Fat Fridays: Consuming for Celebration? 22.04.2022

Fat Fridays: Consuming for Celebration? 22.04.2022

Every year society celebrates with chocolate eggs, chocolate bunnies and chocolate shapes of all kinds of flavours. We spend a fortune on chocolate, which makes no sense for the period in question! It is another bank holiday where we overindulge in food and show our love by buying chocolate for family and friends.

For a moment in time, most of us forget that:

  • People who source cocoa beans barely earn enough to look after their families.
  • The foil that is used to wrap the eggs can’t be recycled.
  • The cow’s milk that is used predominantly is milk stolen from baby cows. It is all sad and depressing how we use and abuse animals for food consumption.
  • The money spent on chocolate eggs can be of better use elsewhere. **Though I’m not here to tell you how to use your money, I’m here to show you the way to a healthier life.

Increasing food consumption for celebrations is an act that the human race has praticed for years! But is this best practice when we live in a world where children die of hunger? Or when in our city centres you find people sleeping in entrances to our favourite places to dine? Is it right to buy so much chocolate?

Maybe we can learn to celebrate with a group meditation session? Or have we all now become accustomed to eating?

I hope one day we discover new ways to celebrate, and maybe when everyone has a decent amount of food to live on, we can celebrate with fruits and vegetables from our earth.

Live a healthy life,

Love

Unique Fatso

Weight? It’s Wednesday! – 20.04.2022

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But I’m in Bed Already

Fruit Plate

It is important to eat healthier and incorporate new fruits.

This time I’ve included kiwi and blueberries! I recently tasted kiwi for the
first time in my life, and I must say, it is delicious. However, with
blueberries, although I love them in my smoothies, I’m not keen on them as they
are. But it was nice to experience them this way.

Live a healthy life,

Love

Unique Fatso

Fat Fridays: Realignment with my Core Values and Purpose in life – 08.04.2022

Right before the end of the festive period for 2021, I fell out with a family member, which caused an awful start to 2022. As a result, I felt low and lacked the motivation to do anything.

It is astonishing how one person can cause so much pain, upset and discord in my life. This had a snowball effect on the subsequent days until today. My eating habits were about greed and nothing more than filling the void that a family member caused.

It’s now the 8th of April 2022, and today is the first time in months that I felt like I’m regaining strength and normalcy in my life. I have not spoken with that person for a few months now, and those close to both of us have advised that they feel that person is regretful about what happened between us. However, I believe I have arrived at a place where I don’t see a future with them in my life.

Why?

My life is constantly changing, and I deserve love in abundance, respect and peace from my family. Life is hard enough as it is without having to navigate a safe route through family gatherings. That reaction has altered our relationship forever, and I guess I take away the fact that no matter who the person is or how they are connected to your life, they can still have a detrimental impact on your mental health.

To this very second, it hurts that we have fallen out. However, my life is not about negative people, circles and debilitating energies. My life is unique, and nothing is promised to any of us.

I have found that time brings perspective, and I gain a little strength, which helps to bring me to a place of peace. Where I can get back to doing what I love and continuing to grow into the amazing woman I am in this life.

For those of you going through similar events, I implore you to take time out for yourself, write in your journal, and try not to become consumed by bad food choices. In the short term, they have the power to make you feel shittier than you did before the first bite. But, in the long term, they slow down the positive progress you have made to date.

My mistake was to entertain the negative thoughts that compelled me to binge on plates of bad foods and then spend my evenings ruminating over the argument and not moving forward. It is shocking how one event can take you down a hill, where you constantly bulldoze into bad choices.

It has taken me months to get to a stage where I feel like I’m back on the path to good health. I’m thankful for many things, but my most extensive support came from my sister, ‘I love you, sis!’

Today is the day I begin again.

I have scheduled weekly postings to my blog, as blogging helps in a way, and I have planned in time for me to have with no technology; I feel like social media has harmed parts of my life, it is difficult to explain, but I often feel bouts of anxiety when I’m online – hence why I’ve taken a huge step back, in terms of my online activity on IG/Twitter for example.

Now I’m going to shower and get ready for a brisk, weighted walk! I shall have around 5kg to carry, which helps to keep me grounded and to remember that my heart still beats; therefore, I must continue.

Live a healthy life.

Love

Unique Fatso

Weight? It’s Wednesday! 06.04.2022

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4am Starts

About my Lunch Yesterday: Black Eyed Peas, Pepper, Red Onion, Rice, Broccoli and Avocado

📸 Unique Fatso

My sister made me lunch!

Happy International Women’s Day

Fat Fridays: How Long Does it Take to Lose Weight? – 04.03.2022

The Other evening, I conversed with a friend and confessed it took me years to lose weight.

I’m losing weight in tiny increments; the bulk of my weight loss came last year, and even that was a struggle. For me, weight loss starts in my mind! Because when I feel bad, I eat badly. When I feel great, I eat well.

I’ve found this journey to be extremely challenging, and I’m not going to post up online and show you only the good bits, which I know is commonplace for trends today.

In February, I spent more time reflecting on my eating habits and why I tend to allow other factors to affect my diet? For example, one day, I had a bad time at work and on the way home, bought a bag of frozen curly fries – cooked ½ bag and sat alone eating a huge plate of chips that was seasoned with balsamic vinegar and pink Himalayan salt, and a small mountain of vegan garlic mayonnaise.

The following day I made a bowl of porridge for breakfast and had chickpeas and greens for lunch. That large portion of fries revealed itself when I weighed in. All because I had a bad day at work.

Other times, I realised that I would buy more of something during the days before menstruation started, and I would gorge on everything to myself. For what reason? Nothing suitable.

I had a conversation with my Coach, who encouraged me to get back into fitness that I find fun? Maybe even re-joining the gym? I thought about this, and I must admit that I do love walking.

Hmm, maybe this is one I need to mull over the weekend a bit and put some mini-goals in place?

Today, I delved deep into cleaning and spent time moving furniture and deep cleaning my living space. It felt extremely therapeutic to do that, and I believe when I eventually drift to sleep tonight, I will experience a nice needed slumber.

I’m embarrassed to admit that I had a lot of dust behind my drawers etc., it was disgusting. While cleaning these dirty hidden areas in my home, I thought about my friendships, relationships, past and present. I thought about the stagnant goals in my life and have been that way for an extended period.

Often it feels like I’m in a swamp, and I keep wading through shit, but I’ve barely moved a few feet. Then I feel bad because I’ve missed deadlines, and I don’t know how to get back on track, I keep dithering, and I know the root cause is the state of my mental health.

Anxiety beats me down, and I lose time.

I need to keep trying, though; one day, all will come good and prevail.

Love

Unique Fatso

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