Those that hurt me, I allowed them to continue, whether that be name-calling, mocking my appearance and 9/10 I agreed with them.
‘You’re so fat!’
‘You look ugly.’
‘Your ass is massive!’
‘Your face is so dark. Black and ugly.’
‘Look at your ugly duck lips.’
Sure, I would cry and brood and cry some more. It all bubbled down to my acceptance that the words they vocalised for my ears to ring were true.
I stepped back from relationships because I never felt worthy of this extraordinary man to call my partner. I stepped way back, back back, into the cold. I wanted to freeze and be forgotten.
I have days where I struggle with my self-confidence and nights when I’m a Queen and embrace my throne. But, today, I recognise that everything is temporary; how long that is, I do not know?
No matter how wrong something is or how wonderful something feels, everything is temporary.
I’m working on my heart to be more open and try to forgive those who cut me up.
I’m defrosting my mind to learn how to love myself and step forward first.
I’m understanding why and not fighting the explanations.
I’m not about to tell you to forgive everyone who wronged you, and you’ll feel better as that may not work.
I implore you to face your mental traumas and try to heal day by day. Only you can make that first step, so make it positive, know that taking care of your mental health and learning forgiveness is okay.
I know I won’t forgive everyone who has shot at my life and thrown shit on my pathway. I’ve ejected them from my life permanently! I will not allow negative energy to devour my soul and reject my existence.
I battled with portion control throughout July – I couldn’t quite master the right amount to eat! I’ll admit, I was greedy. Fully aware that I was eating far too much. Even the food I prepared myself was devouring too much of it. I mean, I love potatoes, and during menstruation, I was eating mountains of chips and curry sauce.
Shortly after my period came the heatwave in England, and that was the week that changed my diet! It was too hot to cook and far too hot to order takeout and wait for it to arrive. All I wanted was to cool down, and I found solace in raspberry smoothie ice-lollies by Delmonte. (Pure and utter delight.)
During the day, I would drink around 1.5 litres of water, eat two bananas and cereal such as Weetabix or porridge. By the time the evening arrived, I would drink more ice-cold water, have a smoothie ice-lolly and maybe a cold bowl of cereal with oat milk.
That week taught me that I don’t need to be greedy and eat as much as I do. As a result, I lost 5lbs and felt less cloggy? I know that term sounds odd, but I felt like my body had the chance to detox and refresh.
With that being said, this month, my focus will be predominantly on whole foods! While I enjoy eating vegan nuggets and other vegan delights – the fact that the food is processed is not great for my nutritional profile. I’ve found many different ways to flavour chickpeas, and now I’m learning about quinoa and bulgar wheat.
August will be a month of learning and self-improvement – I’m sure you’ll experience similar.
I’m an advocate for reflection and implore you to reflect on your month. Thinking about goals you set in June and if you achieved them. Please include your reasons for not meeting them and accept that no one is perfect.
My history is littered with dark moments where I have allowed a negative thought to consume my day, seeping into the next day and then abandoning my goals for the rest of the month. I would then abandon any plans I had for that month and convince myself that starting again in a few weeks is the best thing to do.
Today, I recognise that it wasn’t the right thing to do. It hindered my health journey and encouraged me to indulge in laziness. That was the easy option for me – I admit that now.
With that being said, I have created a PDF guide to help you get started with your end of July reflections. Remember, there are no right or wrong answers to this task – know that there’s room for improvement in all of us.
I would spend hours staring at skinny women in magazines, wishing I was thin. I would pinch my body and try to guess how many inches of fat I need to shed to achieve what I would deem beautiful.’
Time wasted by indulging in images of women who represent one body type! This body type was depicted by society to equate to having good health and better prospects in life.
They made all the thin women in these images look like they were living their best lives while eating burgers – posing in the latest trends and gobbling up every bit of junk food while remaining picturesque.
I understand that our bodies differ in shape, size and markings – such as beauty spots, etc. No two bodies are alike. I’ve learnt that curvy people are just as beautiful! I have curves and trust me when I say I have hated them in the past. I used to hide away from the world, like the monster Dr Frankenstein created. I would hide through fear of judgement and even more horrible comments.
Today, my confidence builds each day, and I’m even at that stage where I’m sharing images of myself and understanding what my body needs to thrive. I appreciate what our bodies are different. I mean, who wants to look the same?
Embrace your individuality!
Life consists of many combinations of people, experiences, memories and love. So I implore anyone reading this to be proud of their body, fuel it with wholesome foods and remember perfection does not exist.
What better moment to learn to embrace your body and growth into your true self? Now is the time to begin!
Too often, we talk ourselves down and speak negative energy into the places we live. That needs to stop. Think about the time and energy your pour into filling your mind with negative thoughts and dwell in a cesspit of dark, addictive chaos.
Hey, I’m overweight! I know this and I try every day to become a better version of myself.
I’ll be the first to admit that investing time into moping around does nothing to bring you a resolution.
This week has been challenging; first, this heat was requested by the many people who reside in the UK. Then I struggled to wear summer clothing. Finally, I opted for black leggings with a summer dress.
It is easy for people to specify what they think I should wear and drown me with their opinions. However, that will not change how I feel about my body, in particular showing my legs.
I’m insecure about various parts of my body, and while I’m trying to improve my health and fitness and build up my body confidence. I don’t need or want commentary from the masses.
Due to the oven-baked temperatures, I’ve not felt as hungry this week, and this has meant that I have not eaten as much as I would usually do during the week. Instead, I have enjoyed devouring ice-cold water, smoothies and even a bit of ice cream.
Also, for the first time in years, I purchased sunscreen! Although my legs are covered, my arms have been on show, and I made a good choice with protecting my skin from the sun’s harmful rays.
I recognise that I’m waffling now; this is due to feeling tired from the warm nights, which is my cue to get some sleep now.
Tonight feels much cooler, so I will get a better nights rest!
Goal setting and trying to keep up with your general to-do!
It has been a couple of weeks since I started CBT online, and I’ve found it challenging to complete tasks from my to-do list.
I recognise that I’ve not posted much lately? This is due to readjusting my priorities and slowly building back aspects of my life that I’ve temporarily paused. This has enabled me to work through things at a pace that suits me.
Before CBT, I would pressure myself to complete EVERYTHING, and I mean EVERYTHING on my to-do list. Then, even with unimportant things, I would feel awful for not finishing them. I would berate myself for failing to meet my goals and then allow those thoughts to grow and dampen my mood for days on end.
Today, I’m learning to let some things go and trust myself enough to complete them when I’m ready. I’m learning to listen to how much my body can cope with and when it may be a good idea to take off and relax my mind.
It is extremely difficult to work and research full-time, I’m not thrilled about the thought of failing, and I think anyone would agree. Therefore, finding ways to manage my goals better is helping me to live a healthier life, which means less stress all around.
Please don’t punish yourself for not completing your goals. Instead, step back, reassess, recalibrate and start over! It is okay to do that, and it is best to put yourself first!
There will be days where we can’t help ourselves; we turn to food to cuddle and melt away our pain. Life is hard, and the pressure feels unbearable, but a sweet treat seems to fold around your tongue and make you happy for a hot minute.
Recognise those seconds? It takes so long to arrive and then seconds to devour and enjoy. The regret!
Ah! Why? Because you know what you’ve done was terrible.
Start over tomorrow, don’t be so cruel to yourself.
A new month and a great time to begin something new, such as increasing your fitness, improving your diet or meditating an additional day per week.
Why is it essential to reflect?
It’s crucial to reflect because it allows us the chance to pause and assess how things are going and if we’ve accomplished our goals. In addition, reflection helps us to work through areas in our lives that we feel are stagnant or personal trauma that may have been holding us back.
How was the Month of June?
I had a mixed month, a few delightful moments such as my birthday and a beautiful picnic. However, I also had several challenging periods where I felt low and had to push through the bad days, like when my laptop broke down.
My Hopes for July?
Learn more mushroom-based dishes, as I love mushrooms and I enjoy creating new meals to eat. This month I hope to cycle more and learn how to pump and repair my bike tires. I’m particularly looking forward to developing other areas on my blog regarding nutrition and sharing some more plant-based ideas.
This month I’m learning to love myself more. As I recognise, I can become self-deprecating, and that’s something I must work on. Therefore, my goal is to understand my body and accept that everybody is different.
A few days ago, I was officially diagnosed with OCD which stands for Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. While it has become an annoying aspect of my daily life, I’m thankful that it is a mild form of OCD. I had thought about whether or not it was a good idea to share this with you all? As you can see, I decided upon yes!
OCD is a mental illness that means that a person feels compelled to complete an action – it’s a strong compulsion. For example, with myself, I have been religiously checking the doors, windows and plug sockets. Even when I know that I’ve checked them and they’re fine, I will go back and check them 2-3 more times.
I finally went to see my Doctor, and they have confirmed that I have developed a mild form of OCD. So I’m due to start CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) in a few weeks. This should help me to manage my OCD better and possibly even prevent it from being a nuisance in my life.
I’m sharing this to help normalise conversations around mental health. After all, the state of our mind is equally important as the condition of our body.
If any of you are reading this, have had similar experiences or want a friend to talk to, please drop me a message.
Remember, you are valued.
Useful Link **Unique Fatso is not responsible for the condition of any external links
Week 7 was a bumper week. First, I had to sort out a replacement laptop to continue working on my studies. Second, I also had to work on my mental health, as I felt pretty low since my laptop broke down during a crucial time in my life, which hindered my motivation levels for week 7 of my C25K.
Nevertheless, I went out for walks, and while they were shorter than before, I also spent some time journaling and went out for dinner. That meal was the first meal that I’ve been out for in over two years – I know this sounds pretty sad, but it’s just due to the pandemic and my commitments.
Week 7 has taught me that I need to make sure I have moments where I go out to eat or visit a museum or something unrelated to home life. I can’t honestly say that I’ve put my all into this plan, as my mind has been so up & down with everything I need to complete this month. However, I can say that I’m much stronger than before, and I’m getting around a lot quicker in the duration of time that I go out to train.
If anyone out there is considering starting the Couch to 5 K challenge, I implore you to GO FOR IT! Live your best life and enjoy incorporating this brilliant workout plan that will help you to become a healthier version of yourself.