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My sister made me lunch!
The Other evening, I conversed with a friend and confessed it took me years to lose weight.
I’m losing weight in tiny increments; the bulk of my weight loss came last year, and even that was a struggle. For me, weight loss starts in my mind! Because when I feel bad, I eat badly. When I feel great, I eat well.
I’ve found this journey to be extremely challenging, and I’m not going to post up online and show you only the good bits, which I know is commonplace for trends today.
In February, I spent more time reflecting on my eating habits and why I tend to allow other factors to affect my diet? For example, one day, I had a bad time at work and on the way home, bought a bag of frozen curly fries – cooked ½ bag and sat alone eating a huge plate of chips that was seasoned with balsamic vinegar and pink Himalayan salt, and a small mountain of vegan garlic mayonnaise.
The following day I made a bowl of porridge for breakfast and had chickpeas and greens for lunch. That large portion of fries revealed itself when I weighed in. All because I had a bad day at work.
Other times, I realised that I would buy more of something during the days before menstruation started, and I would gorge on everything to myself. For what reason? Nothing suitable.
I had a conversation with my Coach, who encouraged me to get back into fitness that I find fun? Maybe even re-joining the gym? I thought about this, and I must admit that I do love walking.
Hmm, maybe this is one I need to mull over the weekend a bit and put some mini-goals in place?
Today, I delved deep into cleaning and spent time moving furniture and deep cleaning my living space. It felt extremely therapeutic to do that, and I believe when I eventually drift to sleep tonight, I will experience a nice needed slumber.
I’m embarrassed to admit that I had a lot of dust behind my drawers etc., it was disgusting. While cleaning these dirty hidden areas in my home, I thought about my friendships, relationships, past and present. I thought about the stagnant goals in my life and have been that way for an extended period.
Often it feels like I’m in a swamp, and I keep wading through shit, but I’ve barely moved a few feet. Then I feel bad because I’ve missed deadlines, and I don’t know how to get back on track, I keep dithering, and I know the root cause is the state of my mental health.
Anxiety beats me down, and I lose time.
I need to keep trying, though; one day, all will come good and prevail.
The Pressure to Complete and Reach the End – 27.02.2022
I’ve been dithering for a few weeks now.
I avoided completing a piece of work that was overdue by months. My mind is filled with thoughts that repeat and go wild. – The perils of having OCD.
My mind focuses on these pockets of memories and examines them ten-fold, and I’m lost in my mind for periods that I can’t explain.
In the most recent weeks, I remembered the time a vile member of my family, cutting my hair as I slept on her sofa as a child. That was a traumatic experience for me, waking up and being gaslighted by her telling me, ‘ your hair is fine!’ Then braiding extensions into it…
That happened in my childhood, and here I am, reliving the pain and humiliation in my adult life. When I become a mother, I will do my best to protect my children from the dangers of this world. However, I strive to do my best for my family, friends, and the wider community in the meantime.
I hope that abuse such as the above is never inflicted upon anyone else. As a child, I went through a lot, especially in the form of emotional abuse by those that are supposed to be my, ‘family.’
Today, I don’t have anything to do with most of those people; in fact, I don’t view them as family. They mean nothing to me; I’ve broken those branches off my family tree.
A few weeks ago, I woke up scared and crying, as my mind brought those hidden memories back to life, and I shed tears for the younger version of myself. She was a shy, quiet girl who wanted nothing more than to enjoy life and share happy moments with those who were a part of my life through no choice of my own.
The impact that it has had on my life is that it now takes me a long time to trust people. Often, I push any sign of goodness from my life and hope they don’t try to stay. I appreciate all those that have stood by me, and a massive thank you to my awesome friend.
I apologise to all my readers, as I have been absent from the world of blogging. Anxiety holds me back some days, and self-doubt drags me down on others. I float around the tasks I need to complete and convince myself I can’t and therefore won’t. So I don’t.
Yesterday, I had lunch with a great friend of mine (who I must highlight, I’m incredibly thankful for and delighted that he has been constant since day one. Despite my efforts in trying to push him away, he’s stood by me.) During our lunch, I tasted both green and black olives – which I should point out I have never tasted before in my life! The green ones were nice, but I thought the black ones were vile. My dear friend pointed out to me, ‘you’ve tried both now!’ and at the very second, after this new experience, I knew that I needed to stop fearing life and I needed to LIVE. There’s so much out there that I have yet to experience, and I avoid things through fear and the belief that I am not worthy.
Imagine how that sounds for a moment?
‘I am not worthy of trying olives.’
‘I am not worthy of eating out.’
‘I am not worthy of having friends.’
It all sounds strange, I agree.
Having your hair cut off as a child and being labelled FATSO fucks up your mind into thinking that you must be ugly and unworthy of living amongst the rest of the world.
However, I have grown up. I’m stronger, wiser and a whole lot more than what they named me. I have times when I slump and feel shitty because of my past, but I push through, stand tall, and own it.
Those people. Hmm. Those evil people are no longer in or around my life – I do not acknowledge or accept them as kin. I can’t see, hear or feel them. I’m out of reach and walking in my lane.
To all the adults dealing with childhood trauma, it is not easy, keep going, and you will find peace. Allow yourself the time to process pain and know that it is OK to cry if you need to. I do.
Know that you’re not alone in this world
It’s time I took back the reigns of my goals and completed the outstanding tasks. It’s time I tried more olives and nourished the fantastic relationships I have with family, friends and the wider community.
This fatso is filling in the gaps and taking up spaces, and you’re welcome to join me when you’re ready.
Live a healthy life.
Two words that many of us forget to use, especially when circumstances permit. It’s like you think it and fail to say it.
Hearing these words make people feel appreciated in a world of chaos. Valued in a life of judgement and loved in a society that forgets they exist.
Please remember to say ‘Thank You’ to those that have helped you along the way.
Live a healthy life
Welcome to February, a month of love – in the form of thy self!
January was a hard month for me to endure; towards the end of the month, I started to climb out of the well and find myself again.
For a moment, I had forgotten what I had achieved and what I was working toward. I allowed negative energy to consume my soul and abandoned mindfulness, which led to a short wave of depression and a spout of anxiety, which exacerbated my OCD.
Therefore, I decided that this month would be a month of love in the form of mindfulness. Self-love is something we all need to do. We have only one life, and we need to take better care of ourselves.
Join me this month in practising mindfulness and opening dialogue to discuss mental health.
Live a healthy life,
Fat Fridays: The Art of Depression? 28.01.2022
Since the festive period commenced in 2021, I’ve been feeling low due to many factors, both of which are tangible and intangible.
I began this new year with positive energy in mind and blessings in the form of friendships I never thought would be so nourishing in my life. *Thank you.
So what’s making me feel this way?
For the first time in forever, I’ve succumbed to my mental battles and fallen into a deep well. I’m at the base of it, and the floor is smothered with sadness and hatred. I feel it seeping into my skin and holding me down, infecting my thoughts with endless cycles of negative visions and obstructing the healing process.
Surprisingly, a person from my past has been trying and checking in. Peering his head into the well and calling out, telling me it’s going to be okay and I’ll start to feel better. Of course, I snarled at this and dismissed him with no hesitation.
Fast forward four weeks, and I thank him for being persistent with frequent reminders that he’s here for me and…believe it or not, I’m crying as I type this up before Friday ends and Saturday intervenes.
A few hours ago, I painted a smile on my face and posted up on IG @UniqueFatso
Yes, I do! I look happy, and that’s all that matters. The Art of Depression has no generic look when it comes to taking a photo – How easy was it to smile and post? Easy.
I mean, if it helps the world to think I’m okay, which in turn causes them to skip the ‘friendly message,’ as I’m okay and they check in with someone more deserving?
If you’re at the bottom of a well or feel down and need a hug, please respond and update someone. I’m not 100%, but I’ve found a small log, and I’m sitting on it.
Equally, I implore everyone to adopt best practices and let your loved ones know that you’re there if/when they’re reading to talk. It makes a MASSIVE difference.
Special thank you to my sisters, always beacons of positive energy, love and light.
Live a healthy life,
The past few weeks have been a struggle!
I feel down and trying to get up and out of this rut.
I’ve missed deadlines that are now 14 days old, 15 if you start tomorrow.
I hope next week bring more umph and productivity.
All week I’ve opted to use public transport to travel to work. Because I feel the icy wind on my face, I talk myself out of walking. While writing this post, I recognise it is a silly excuse.
The festive period, blended with this ongoing pandemic, led me to spend most of my time indoors. When I was not doing anything productive, I would step into my kitchen and grab a few festive snacks. Well, when I say festive, I’m referring to the foods I tend to be surrounded by during November/December
Hmm, I gather my list isn’t extensive as such – though, I shamefully admit the quantities that I consumed were colossal. This has led to a 7lb weight gain! Shocking, I know, right?
Then this week, as I mentioned earlier, I’ve travelled predominantly by using public transport. Thus, holding on to my 7lbs of fat and not making a real effort to lose it.
I keep muttering that it’s too cold.
But is it? Well, no.
I have warm clothes I can wear daily to get out and walk. Unfortunately, I’m lazy and finding anything to convince myself that I’m making the right decision – though my conscious self is alert and aware it’s detrimental to my health and well-being.
What good is it to stay indoors burning heat and not using any of my free time to burn fat and get back on track?
But it’s too cold outside.
Said the woman who made no effort to do anything to help her lose weight.
A step back
I took a moment to reflect deeply and identify why my drive is low? I found or rather acknowledge that I have deadlines coming up, and the fact that this pandemic has been going on for over two years now is depressing.
I’m not ashamed to admit I feel helpless, and my motivation is low. I guess I want you to remember that no one is perfect, and no life is infallible. I’m human, and though I want to do better and be better, the current situation is a challenge for me.
I have taken steps to remedy my poor choices of food. I have bought fresh fruits and veg – tomato soup! I’m here for that.
Writing this post has also helped; it’s healthy to express thoughts/feelings. Locking them up only causes the likelihood of an implosion to occur.
Remember, there’s more than one person going through it.
Live a healthy life.
I’m delighted 💚
How are you, today?
This year has been the bomb, the explosion, the implosion and constant repair. I’ve cried a thousand times, maybe less than a hundred, I don’t know exactly, but I do care.
This year has challenged me to forgive and mean it simultaneously. To stop saying things for the sake of saying something, stop saying, ‘yes,’ all the time.
I’ve lost weight.
I’ve gained weight.
I’ve gained some more and lost a bit. I’ve been wading through my emotions and mountains of shit.
I’m thankful for every second, yes, especially the hard bits. For the end of the year has arrived, and I’m over it, with zero fucks to give.
I’m not going to overstate a quote because it’s popular – ‘New year, new me!’ Nah, I’m happy walking into 2022 as me and evolving as me and growing. Yes, I’ve been extra reflective this year, and reflection goes so far; implementing changes, and SMART goal setting is what I must focus on to go far.
Earlier this evening, I ordered a vegan Tadka Dahl, and it was the first time I tasted it. DELIGHTFUL and spicy. A fitting meal to mark the end of 2021.
I have no resolutions, as I no longer believe in waiting for this day to set them. Instead, we should always reflect and make positive changes – no one is born with a guarantee on the duration of life. Therefore, I will be taking a step back from blogging to pursue my happiness. (You may have already noticed my spotty absence.)
2021 has taught me to live my life, and that’s all I shall do until my heartbeat fades. Remember, every heartbeat counts.
Live a healthy life,
I throw things in and hope for the best!
What Fatso Heard?
I’m not a ‘fan’ or a ‘traditional follower’ of Christmas! However, it is important to help those who are less fortunate than yourself.
This help does not have to be financial; handing them cash into their hands. It could be signposting them to professional/charitable organisations or vice Versa.
My point is that ‘help’ comes in many forms, and dialogue is often the starting point for helping others.
There I was finishing up with my shift, and I overheard a conversation, which went like this:
Person A: ‘There’s gonna be beggars outside; take the leftover food and give it to them.’
Person B: ‘What do you mean? It’s not healthy. And I don’t wanna go near them.’
Person A: ‘they will take it and eat it, they eat anything. Just hold your breath.’
Person B: ‘Why don’t you do it?’
Person A: ‘because I don’t wanna catch anything, and they stink.’
Person B: ‘Then why are you asking me to do it? And I think that cake has gone off anyway.’
Person A: ‘You’ll be fine! And trust me, the cake isn’t going to harm them; they’re used to diseases, they’re immune to them. They don’t have covid.’
Person B: ‘I’m not speaking to crackheads.’
Person A: ‘get in the Christmas spirit, hand them the cake and wish them a Merry Christmas. They’ll eat the box if they’re hungry.’
The above is one of many conversations, not just around Christmas but all year.
As the human race, we are about to step into 2022, and we still have not learned to understand the basics of our society. We need others to thrive – life in solitude with no other human was be a living nightmare.
I get the bond we have with friends and family. But who were friends before they were honoured with that title? They were strangers – people who had a whole life before connecting with us. Some come from abuse, poverty, self-destruction, and others come from a place of peace and love. Either way, we do not know until we open dialogue with them – ask about their history and how they came to a low place. Don’t assume and never allow your ignorance to overshadow helping others.
On the 25th of December, the majority of our world overeats and doesn’t really give a second thought to this.
I mean, how much have you spent on Christmas? And how much have you donated to a charitable cause? It is a place that helps people get back on their feet and supports those who are less fortunate.
The amount spent on Christmas for many will be too much £££, equally the amount donated for many will be £0.
Saying that, don’t just help for one moment, be charitable more often than not.
Help to heal our world, and the human race will flourish for that.
Please don’t donate stale food – you wouldn’t eat it yourself.
Live a healthy life.