The Pressure to Complete and Reach the End – 27.02.2022
I’ve been dithering for a few weeks now.
I avoided completing a piece of work that was overdue by months. My mind is filled with thoughts that repeat and go wild. – The perils of having OCD.
My mind focuses on these pockets of memories and examines them ten-fold, and I’m lost in my mind for periods that I can’t explain.
In the most recent weeks, I remembered the time a vile member of my family, cutting my hair as I slept on her sofa as a child. That was a traumatic experience for me, waking up and being gaslighted by her telling me, ‘ your hair is fine!’ Then braiding extensions into it…
That happened in my childhood, and here I am, reliving the pain and humiliation in my adult life. When I become a mother, I will do my best to protect my children from the dangers of this world. However, I strive to do my best for my family, friends, and the wider community in the meantime.
I hope that abuse such as the above is never inflicted upon anyone else. As a child, I went through a lot, especially in the form of emotional abuse by those that are supposed to be my, ‘family.’
Today, I don’t have anything to do with most of those people; in fact, I don’t view them as family. They mean nothing to me; I’ve broken those branches off my family tree.
A few weeks ago, I woke up scared and crying, as my mind brought those hidden memories back to life, and I shed tears for the younger version of myself. She was a shy, quiet girl who wanted nothing more than to enjoy life and share happy moments with those who were a part of my life through no choice of my own.
The impact that it has had on my life is that it now takes me a long time to trust people. Often, I push any sign of goodness from my life and hope they don’t try to stay. I appreciate all those that have stood by me, and a massive thank you to my awesome friend.
I apologise to all my readers, as I have been absent from the world of blogging. Anxiety holds me back some days, and self-doubt drags me down on others. I float around the tasks I need to complete and convince myself I can’t and therefore won’t. So I don’t.
Yesterday, I had lunch with a great friend of mine (who I must highlight, I’m incredibly thankful for and delighted that he has been constant since day one. Despite my efforts in trying to push him away, he’s stood by me.) During our lunch, I tasted both green and black olives – which I should point out I have never tasted before in my life! The green ones were nice, but I thought the black ones were vile. My dear friend pointed out to me, ‘you’ve tried both now!’ and at the very second, after this new experience, I knew that I needed to stop fearing life and I needed to LIVE. There’s so much out there that I have yet to experience, and I avoid things through fear and the belief that I am not worthy.
Imagine how that sounds for a moment?
‘I am not worthy of trying olives.’
‘I am not worthy of eating out.’
‘I am not worthy of having friends.’
It all sounds strange, I agree.
Having your hair cut off as a child and being labelled FATSO fucks up your mind into thinking that you must be ugly and unworthy of living amongst the rest of the world.
However, I have grown up. I’m stronger, wiser and a whole lot more than what they named me. I have times when I slump and feel shitty because of my past, but I push through, stand tall, and own it.
Those people. Hmm. Those evil people are no longer in or around my life – I do not acknowledge or accept them as kin. I can’t see, hear or feel them. I’m out of reach and walking in my lane.
To all the adults dealing with childhood trauma, it is not easy, keep going, and you will find peace. Allow yourself the time to process pain and know that it is OK to cry if you need to. I do.
Know that you’re not alone in this world
It’s time I took back the reigns of my goals and completed the outstanding tasks. It’s time I tried more olives and nourished the fantastic relationships I have with family, friends and the wider community.
This fatso is filling in the gaps and taking up spaces, and you’re welcome to join me when you’re ready.
Live a healthy life.