During my absence from work, I received several messages here and there. Some I received as people seeking a current topic to pass the time and ponder over a cup of tea or cigarette break. I mean, that is juicier than someone being on sick leave?
Why is it that people feel the need to insert themselves into matters that don’t concern them? Are they truly concerned? Or is it the dark need to know everything about a person, including sexual preferences and the most recent update on Facebook?
I mean, give me a break!
I find it deeply irritating that some people act as if they care, but essentially they’re looking for a quick fix to boost ago and the chance to feel superior to the one returning.
When walking through the entrance, your heart may pound a few beats faster than usual, and you may feel slightly nauseous. It’s okay to feel this way, and those before/after you will probably feel the same. I know it is easy to sit here and write this to you, but trust me, I’m going through it.
The one person I thought I would hear from texted twice, and even after I replied, ‘I’m not okay.’ They paid no attention to that factor, and that was the last I received anything from them. Maybe they were concerned with gossip and nothing more – I guess it’ll be something I’ll never completely know for sure. Perhaps this post is a random ramble of existing insecurities? Or it could be a moment to review my friendships and retract the effort in some and give more to others?
I would love to start classes at the gym, but I don’t have any time!
Most nights, I turn on the TV, select Netflix and get comfortable on the sofa with a snack, usually plantain chips. Once I’ve finished a series, I crawl into bed during the early hours of the morning and feel a mixture of emotions. On the one hand, I’ve caught up a little with the Netflix series I’m enjoying. But, on the other hand, I sigh at the hours now lost and the little sleep I need to stay mentally alert. Then I repeat the same thing across the week until Wednesday when I weigh myself and see that I have gained weight and wonder why?
But then I waste hours on Netflix and no time on the actions I need to take in order to lose weight and become a healthier version of myself.
During conversations with others, it appears that the above is a shared experience within our society. Why visit the gym when you can chill at home? Relax at home and have some downtime after a hard day outside?
The moral of the story is that watching Netflix is okay in moderation. However, spending the whole day binging on seasons isn’t healthy, from my experience. Instead, at least 30 minutes could be invested in fitness and understanding which foods work best for your body.
I’m not saying that you’ll change your mind overnight, but you should analyse your time and see how you can best use it to ensure that you benefit from improving your health and downtime for your mind.
We only die once, so try your best to become the healthiest version of yourself.
I have been struggling with my mental health over the last few months, and recently, it has become even more challenging lately. Things that were once grey in my life have now started to form colours, and if I’m candid about it, these memories are hard to process or even accept.
‘I’m not sure if we appreciate that we go through so much,’ – Friend. This is true as I have been through a lot, and I forget to take a step back to appreciate that I have survived some shitty days, and I forget to acknowledge that I’m here to tell the tale.
These fractions of my life have interfered with my health and fitness, as I seek comfort through the form of food. Over-indulging in things I know are detrimental to my health and wellbeing. I’m adding salt to fried, baked beans and knowing that this will cause me to become more thirsty and want to drink more fluids.
A weird cycle that spins around and around, with added sprinkles of salt and extra spoonfuls of sugar and a few packs of crisps.
I will be having sessions with a Counsellor soon, which I hope will help me process everything and manage my mental health better. Which, in turn, should aid my stability by refraining from the sweet seduction of pancakes with raspberry jam or chips!
Today is a new day and a wonderful time for me to start over, and I know it is something I repeat, repeat, delete and repeat. Weight loss is a challenging affair, and I cheat on it by eating the wrong foods or lack of fitness. I think it’s time for an exploration of the deep mind and a delicate excavation of the reasons my diet keeps failing.
Do I fear the findings? Absolutely, but it’s time to do this and understand the deep-rooted reason I overeat. Once I figure it out, I will update you.
In my life exists some toxic people I never knew were toxic until I understood the types of toxicity that they have been injecting into my existence. For example, one person never calls me, and when I ring them, they complain that they’ve not heard from me for days! I’ll remind them they can contact me, and they will say, ‘but you’re always busy.’ The conversation then becomes time for them to moan and bitch about all their problems, which they don’t actively seek to do anything about.
I struggle with this person because I love them dearly, and I want nothing more than for them to lead happier a happier life. But, other times, when I point out that they’re being negative, they get angry and end the call. Then go on to others to complain that I never make an effort to see them or keep in touch.
To resolve this, I reduced my contact with those who bring masses of negative energy into my life. It was not easy as you can imagine, they complained about that too. Making everything about them as if my world revolves around these people, and I exist to serve them and nothing more.
    I have struggled with sticking to this, as I often feel guilty about having time to myself – these people insert crazy notions that I’m not doing anything important. Yet, I have to listen to them complaining, etc.
There will be people who demand extra time and attention from you. But please remember that it is for you to decide if you wish to honour that? You do not owe anyone anything in this life, and you should put yourself first.
Our life is not promised, and we should not feel obligated to allow someone to control them. We must live our lives, be kind to others and embrace happiness.
Fat Fridays: Consuming for Celebration? 22.04.2022
Every year society celebrates with chocolate eggs, chocolate bunnies and chocolate shapes of all kinds of flavours. We spend a fortune on chocolate, which makes no sense for the period in question! It is another bank holiday where we overindulge in food and show our love by buying chocolate for family and friends.
For a moment in time, most of us forget that:
People who source cocoa beans barely earn enough to look after their families.
The foil that is used to wrap the eggs can’t be recycled.
The cow’s milk that is used predominantly is milk stolen from baby cows. It is all sad and depressing how we use and abuse animals for food consumption.
The money spent on chocolate eggs can be of better use elsewhere. **Though I’m not here to tell you how to use your money, I’m here to show you the way to a healthier life.
Increasing food consumption for celebrations is an act that the human race has praticed for years! But is this best practice when we live in a world where children die of hunger? Or when in our city centres you find people sleeping in entrances to our favourite places to dine? Is it right to buy so much chocolate?
Maybe we can learn to celebrate with a group meditation session? Or have we all now become accustomed to eating?
I hope one day we discover new ways to celebrate, and maybe when everyone has a decent amount of food to live on, we can celebrate with fruits and vegetables from our earth.
It is important to eat healthier and incorporate new fruits.
This time I’ve included kiwi and blueberries! I recently tasted kiwi for the
first time in my life, and I must say, it is delicious. However, with
blueberries, although I love them in my smoothies, I’m not keen on them as they
are. But it was nice to experience them this way.
Right before the end of the festive period for 2021, I fell out with a family member, which caused an awful start to 2022. As a result, I felt low and lacked the motivation to do anything.
It is astonishing how one person can cause so much pain, upset and discord in my life. This had a snowball effect on the subsequent days until today. My eating habits were about greed and nothing more than filling the void that a family member caused.
It’s now the 8th of April 2022, and today is the first time in months that I felt like I’m regaining strength and normalcy in my life. I have not spoken with that person for a few months now, and those close to both of us have advised that they feel that person is regretful about what happened between us. However, I believe I have arrived at a place where I don’t see a future with them in my life.
Why?
My life is constantly changing, and I deserve love in abundance, respect and peace from my family. Life is hard enough as it is without having to navigate a safe route through family gatherings. That reaction has altered our relationship forever, and I guess I take away the fact that no matter who the person is or how they are connected to your life, they can still have a detrimental impact on your mental health.
To this very second, it hurts that we have fallen out. However, my life is not about negative people, circles and debilitating energies. My life is unique, and nothing is promised to any of us.
I have found that time brings perspective, and I gain a little strength, which helps to bring me to a place of peace. Where I can get back to doing what I love and continuing to grow into the amazing woman I am in this life.
For those of you going through similar events, I implore you to take time out for yourself, write in your journal, and try not to become consumed by bad food choices. In the short term, they have the power to make you feel shittier than you did before the first bite. But, in the long term, they slow down the positive progress you have made to date.
My mistake was to entertain the negative thoughts that compelled me to binge on plates of bad foods and then spend my evenings ruminating over the argument and not moving forward. It is shocking how one event can take you down a hill, where you constantly bulldoze into bad choices.
It has taken me months to get to a stage where I feel like I’m back on the path to good health. I’m thankful for many things, but my most extensive support came from my sister, ‘I love you, sis!’
Today is the day I begin again.
I have scheduled weekly postings to my blog, as blogging helps in a way, and I have planned in time for me to have with no technology; I feel like social media has harmed parts of my life, it is difficult to explain, but I often feel bouts of anxiety when I’m online – hence why I’ve taken a huge step back, in terms of my online activity on IG/Twitter for example.
Now I’m going to shower and get ready for a brisk, weighted walk! I shall have around 5kg to carry, which helps to keep me grounded and to remember that my heart still beats; therefore, I must continue.
The Other evening, I conversed with a friend and confessed it took me years to lose weight.
I’m losing weight in tiny increments; the bulk of my weight loss came last year, and even that was a struggle. For me, weight loss starts in my mind! Because when I feel bad, I eat badly. When I feel great, I eat well.
I’ve found this journey to be extremely challenging, and I’m not going to post up online and show you only the good bits, which I know is commonplace for trends today.
In February, I spent more time reflecting on my eating habits and why I tend to allow other factors to affect my diet? For example, one day, I had a bad time at work and on the way home, bought a bag of frozen curly fries – cooked ½ bag and sat alone eating a huge plate of chips that was seasoned with balsamic vinegar and pink Himalayan salt, and a small mountain of vegan garlic mayonnaise.
The following day I made a bowl of porridge for breakfast and had chickpeas and greens for lunch. That large portion of fries revealed itself when I weighed in. All because I had a bad day at work.
Other times, I realised that I would buy more of something during the days before menstruation started, and I would gorge on everything to myself. For what reason? Nothing suitable.
I had a conversation with my Coach, who encouraged me to get back into fitness that I find fun? Maybe even re-joining the gym? I thought about this, and I must admit that I do love walking.
Hmm, maybe this is one I need to mull over the weekend a bit and put some mini-goals in place?
Today, I delved deep into cleaning and spent time moving furniture and deep cleaning my living space. It felt extremely therapeutic to do that, and I believe when I eventually drift to sleep tonight, I will experience a nice needed slumber.
I’m embarrassed to admit that I had a lot of dust behind my drawers etc., it was disgusting. While cleaning these dirty hidden areas in my home, I thought about my friendships, relationships, past and present. I thought about the stagnant goals in my life and have been that way for an extended period.
Often it feels like I’m in a swamp, and I keep wading through shit, but I’ve barely moved a few feet. Then I feel bad because I’ve missed deadlines, and I don’t know how to get back on track, I keep dithering, and I know the root cause is the state of my mental health.
Anxiety beats me down, and I lose time.
I need to keep trying, though; one day, all will come good and prevail.
The Pressure to Complete and Reach the End – 27.02.2022
I’ve been dithering for a few weeks now.
I avoided completing a piece of work that was overdue by months. My mind is filled with thoughts that repeat and go wild. – The perils of having OCD.
My mind focuses on these pockets of memories and examines them ten-fold, and I’m lost in my mind for periods that I can’t explain.
In the most recent weeks, I remembered the time a vile member of my family, cutting my hair as I slept on her sofa as a child. That was a traumatic experience for me, waking up and being gaslighted by her telling me, ‘ your hair is fine!’ Then braiding extensions into it…
That happened in my childhood, and here I am, reliving the pain and humiliation in my adult life. When I become a mother, I will do my best to protect my children from the dangers of this world. However, I strive to do my best for my family, friends, and the wider community in the meantime.
I hope that abuse such as the above is never inflicted upon anyone else. As a child, I went through a lot, especially in the form of emotional abuse by those that are supposed to be my, ‘family.’
Today, I don’t have anything to do with most of those people; in fact, I don’t view them as family. They mean nothing to me; I’ve broken those branches off my family tree.
A few weeks ago, I woke up scared and crying, as my mind brought those hidden memories back to life, and I shed tears for the younger version of myself. She was a shy, quiet girl who wanted nothing more than to enjoy life and share happy moments with those who were a part of my life through no choice of my own.
The impact that it has had on my life is that it now takes me a long time to trust people. Often, I push any sign of goodness from my life and hope they don’t try to stay. I appreciate all those that have stood by me, and a massive thank you to my awesome friend.
I apologise to all my readers, as I have been absent from the world of blogging. Anxiety holds me back some days, and self-doubt drags me down on others. I float around the tasks I need to complete and convince myself I can’t and therefore won’t. So I don’t.
Yesterday, I had lunch with a great friend of mine (who I must highlight, I’m incredibly thankful for and delighted that he has been constant since day one. Despite my efforts in trying to push him away, he’s stood by me.) During our lunch, I tasted both green and black olives – which I should point out I have never tasted before in my life! The green ones were nice, but I thought the black ones were vile. My dear friend pointed out to me, ‘you’ve tried both now!’ and at the very second, after this new experience, I knew that I needed to stop fearing life and I needed to LIVE. There’s so much out there that I have yet to experience, and I avoid things through fear and the belief that I am not worthy.
Imagine how that sounds for a moment?
‘I am not worthy of trying olives.’
‘I am not worthy of eating out.’
‘I am not worthy of having friends.’
It all sounds strange, I agree.
Having your hair cut off as a child and being labelled FATSO fucks up your mind into thinking that you must be ugly and unworthy of living amongst the rest of the world.
However, I have grown up. I’m stronger, wiser and a whole lot more than what they named me. I have times when I slump and feel shitty because of my past, but I push through, stand tall, and own it.
Those people. Hmm. Those evil people are no longer in or around my life – I do not acknowledge or accept them as kin. I can’t see, hear or feel them. I’m out of reach and walking in my lane.
To all the adults dealing with childhood trauma, it is not easy, keep going, and you will find peace. Allow yourself the time to process pain and know that it is OK to cry if you need to. I do.
Know that you’re not alone in this world
It’s time I took back the reigns of my goals and completed the outstanding tasks. It’s time I tried more olives and nourished the fantastic relationships I have with family, friends and the wider community.
This fatso is filling in the gaps and taking up spaces, and you’re welcome to join me when you’re ready.
Welcome to February, a month of love – in the form of thy self!
January was a hard month for me to endure; towards the end of the month, I started to climb out of the well and find myself again.
For a moment, I had forgotten what I had achieved and what I was working toward. I allowed negative energy to consume my soul and abandoned mindfulness, which led to a short wave of depression and a spout of anxiety, which exacerbated my OCD.
Therefore, I decided that this month would be a month of love in the form of mindfulness. Self-love is something we all need to do. We have only one life, and we need to take better care of ourselves.
Join me this month in practising mindfulness and opening dialogue to discuss mental health.
Since the festive period commenced in 2021, I’ve been feeling low due to many factors, both of which are tangible and intangible.
I began this new year with positive energy in mind and blessings in the form of friendships I never thought would be so nourishing in my life. *Thank you.
So what’s making me feel this way?
I am grieving the loss of my Grandad.
Work-related stress.
Body confidence issues – I’ve been eating a lot of meat-free sausages and cookies.
Educational anxiety.
For the first time in forever, I’ve succumbed to my mental battles and fallen into a deep well. I’m at the base of it, and the floor is smothered with sadness and hatred. I feel it seeping into my skin and holding me down, infecting my thoughts with endless cycles of negative visions and obstructing the healing process.
Surprisingly, a person from my past has been trying and checking in. Peering his head into the well and calling out, telling me it’s going to be okay and I’ll start to feel better. Of course, I snarled at this and dismissed him with no hesitation.
Fast forward four weeks, and I thank him for being persistent with frequent reminders that he’s here for me and…believe it or not, I’m crying as I type this up before Friday ends and Saturday intervenes.
A few hours ago, I painted a smile on my face and posted up on IG @UniqueFatso
Yes, I do! I look happy, and that’s all that matters. The Art of Depression has no generic look when it comes to taking a photo – How easy was it to smile and post? Easy.
I mean, if it helps the world to think I’m okay, which in turn causes them to skip the ‘friendly message,’ as I’m okay and they check in with someone more deserving?
If you’re at the bottom of a well or feel down and need a hug, please respond and update someone. I’m not 100%, but I’ve found a small log, and I’m sitting on it.
Equally, I implore everyone to adopt best practices and let your loved ones know that you’re there if/when they’re reading to talk. It makes a MASSIVE difference.
Special thank you to my sisters, always beacons of positive energy, love and light.
Unique Fatso 