For a long time, I’ve been mentally stuck in a weird space, with a deep fear of progress even though my main goal is to grow and succeed in this life.
There have been a lot of significant changes in my life, added to the intangible factors of certain relationships, and I have experienced mental fatigue.
A few weeks ago, I ventured out alone to a beautiful space within our earth – a stunning garden. I was initially feeling slightly anxious, and the weather was ridiculously hot but lovely all the same.
Once I wandered through the garden, deep into the manicured area, I found an old wooden bench, sat down, sipped freshly squeezed orange juice and began writing in my journal. I haven’t been into writing in my journal for years – I think it has been the fear of opening up because I have been hurt in the past, and even though some people seem genuine, I feel like I can’t always trust them. It’s that innate fear that I’ll be hurt again by someone close to me.
In this stunning garden, I found peace; I sat in silence and wrote from my heart. Like a nuanced conversation with an equal-minded person, basking in the sounds and recording this moment with their mind. I couldn’t have asked for anything else.
Sometimes I find it difficult to speak up about something causing me stress; I tend to bottle up and withdraw. I know that’s unhealthy, but I’m working on it, and there has been a slight improvement in attending therapy sessions. As a result, I’ve gained new insight, or rather a different perspective on how I think about those potent topics in my life. Like how these things influence my relationship with food and why I infrequently feel disappointed in myself. Why do I spend endless hours thinking negatively about my body image and the unhealthy moments where I eat things, knowing I’ll gain weight and feel depressed the next day? A close friend recently became upset, as he thought my behaviour was inappropriate. I became defensive and was rude to him. Finally, I apologised profusely and opened up about my reasons for behaving in such a way. Often, another person or a group of people can overshadow your thoughts with their urgent requests for support. I mean, you will never be more important than their matter of urgency.
My time in this remarkable garden put me in unison with nature, honey bees buzzed by, and I never ran away in fear. I wondered if my hair was attracting them? Perhaps they thought of me as a bright flower and waved as they flew by. I closed my eyes and embraced the heat on my face; outside was here, and I was sitting in the heart of the essence of wildlife.