Fat Fridays: Back to Basics – 20.01.2023
I have been away for a while; when I say away, I mean operating offline. I felt it would help with my mind frame, hiding from toxic Twitter and telling tales via TikTok. However, there is something inside me that craves understanding and appreciation.
Often, I feel like an outcast trying to squeeze into spaces that were not designed for a woman like me. In contrast, spaces for women are being erased!
For some reason, or maybe a few reasons, I cannot seem to find lasting happiness through the avenues I have shown interest in. One person causes me a great deal of stress and anxiety, yet I always permit access to my life. I devalue my worth to allow him to feel comfortable. The appreciation he delivers is always in crumbs, knowing I deserve the whole loaf he gives me crumbs every other week. I am weak for accepting them and worshipping him as if the sun is born from his heart and the rain starts at his command.
Last week, he rejected me again. I turned around and dialled for a takeaway, I was full, and I continued to eat. I never cried this time but acknowledged my sadness and knew it stemmed from this toxic form of what we have labelled friendship. I wish things worked out better, though he seems oblivious to the pain he causes me. Or he sees it and fails to care; why should he? He feeds me crumbs, and I indulge everyone with so much love and appreciation – these empty promises never come to fruition. Subconsciously, I feel stupid.
Two nights ago, he placed more obstacles around tough conversations, and today I’m like, ‘fuck it!’ What did I do to warrant a man to treat me in such a way? Why does love always seem to come at the cost of my sanity? Am I destined to be alone and write about life with every heart that beats? Or is it possible to love what I do and be loved for being myself? Yes, I have discovered that crying does nothing to ease the pain. Eating? I felt happy for a hot minute when I had a tray of chips, but that quickly faded. Perhaps the cogs within my brain only function when I am in the dark and alone. Maybe, they prefer I did not know how to feel or did not feel – but I do, and right now, upset riddles my core and I feel low.
Back to basics was what I needed to incorporate and where I was required to start again. What does that even mean? Well, I am currently figuring that out.