Last Night I Wanted

Last night I wanted junk food!

Chips, curry-sauce, more chips and maybe a pizza?

I wanted plain doughnuts!

And sugared doughnuts and I have no excuse or plausible reason, as I’m not menstruating.

I guess that’s apart of the life.

This life.

Lockdown.

Kept in.

Alone? Yes.

I felt alone last night and craved fulfilment through the narrative of eating!

Regret followed…

Then anger! Why would I want such foods, when I’m improving each day and a year ago, I wasn’t exactly in the best place.

More regret ensued.

Fatso! She must wish to remain FAT!

No, no, no! I do not want that.

I cried for around an hour. Could’ve been two? I cried because I gave in and ordered a takeaway, plant-based foods can be junk-foods, too.

Regret took over and over my sight was blurred.

I sent texts out to a few people I’ve not heard from in a while.

I browsed Instagram (knowing that a lot of the posts are fake.)

I told myself I’m incapable of losing any more weight.

I placed my phone on flight mode. I popped it into a draw.

I entertained negative thoughts and cried even more.

I saw a vision in my mind – my mind can bare cruel thoughts. I saw _______ and my emotions felt broken.

Maybe, just maybe I have been holding onto pain. Maybe his apology wasn’t enough and I’ll turn to food again.

I share this because I’m not perfect and perfection I do not seek.

I share this because I feel awful, about my night where I was WEAK.

Published by Unique

I don't write. I create. #EveryHeartbeatCounts

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