Last night I wanted junk food!
Chips, curry-sauce, more chips and maybe a pizza?
I wanted plain doughnuts!
And sugared doughnuts and I have no excuse or plausible reason, as I’m not menstruating.
I guess that’s apart of the life.
I felt alone last night and craved fulfilment through the narrative of eating!
Then anger! Why would I want such foods, when I’m improving each day and a year ago, I wasn’t exactly in the best place.
More regret ensued.
Fatso! She must wish to remain FAT!
No, no, no! I do not want that.
I cried for around an hour. Could’ve been two? I cried because I gave in and ordered a takeaway, plant-based foods can be junk-foods, too.
Regret took over and over my sight was blurred.
I sent texts out to a few people I’ve not heard from in a while.
I browsed Instagram (knowing that a lot of the posts are fake.)
I told myself I’m incapable of losing any more weight.
I placed my phone on flight mode. I popped it into a draw.
I entertained negative thoughts and cried even more.
I saw a vision in my mind – my mind can bare cruel thoughts. I saw _______ and my emotions felt broken.
Maybe, just maybe I have been holding onto pain. Maybe his apology wasn’t enough and I’ll turn to food again.
I share this because I’m not perfect and perfection I do not seek.
I share this because I feel awful, about my night where I was WEAK.