Positive Mindset: Family Loss, Food Intake & a Faulty Friendship

On the 6th of November 2020, my Grandad passed away.

He had existing medical conditions, however, it was COVID19 that ended his life.

Since then, I went through around 7 days of good eating and cooking etc. However, last night I ate a huge slice of homemade banana cake. I knowingly sliced 1.5-inch thick piece of cake, thinking what I’m about to do with it is wrong. I knew at the time eating such a large slice of cake would be detrimental to my journey, but I did it anyway.

This morning my sister shared photos of the nine nights event, that some Christian families do, to honour the dead. Seeing those photos bought on so many tears and it led me to miss someone I once held in high regard – I then made the mistake of reaching out to them. And regretted it immediately, tried to delete the WhatsApp messages but they responded. *Please note: This person pleaded to remain, friends, after they treated me like shit and stomped all over my time.

Despite my best attempts in both avoiding the conversation and then answering questions that had obvious answers, I ended up explaining to them what I expected from a ‘friendship,’ and what I received. Which was what they are fully aware of. I explained that I was reflecting this morning and missed memories of the good times…they then replied something along the lines of ‘How can you miss me when I’ve not been present?’

This person knows I’m mourning the loss of my favourite Grandparent.

At that point, I scrolled back through our conversation and realised that while I’m by no means the definition of perfection, I never lie to myself or others.

I was always there for them when they needed a shoulder to cry on and I mean both figuratively and literally. I never ask for anything from anyone or expect the world and its many oysters. However, I stupidly expected this person to have some integrity! For the duration of that conversation of which I did not wish to have.

After extensive elaboration on the fact, I was reminiscing over the good times we once shared.

‘How can you miss me, when I’ve not been present?’

It was at the receipt of that message that my brain rebooted and reminded me of:

1. My self-worth.
2. The value I bring to all those around me.
3. The asset of time and creation.
4. My knowledge – both in print and in my heart.
5. The fact that chickpeas are grown in more than one location.
6. 7 billion + people are roaming right around me.
7. That thought was temporary.

But who am I to define my self-worth in the text?
• I’m Unique.
• I don’t need any form of social-media to define my existence.
• I don’t yearn for validation in internet formation.
• I’ve never asked of anything from a friend, apart from their honesty. An honest friendship is far greater than a paid relationship.

I admit I slipped up this morning and I’ve since promised myself, I won’t make the same mistake twice. I’ve lost almost 2stones, my skin is looking healthier, I’m mentally stronger than I’ve ever been, I’ve developed so much since 2020 started. All without this ‘friendship.’

It was a pinch to acknowledge it died with that version of myself. However, in life, I’ve learnt to make sacrifices and adapt to walk tall along the pathways that have opened up and welcomed me.

Yes, I’ve lost my Grandad and realised today that I lost a friendship, that theoretically was gone last year. I kindly awarded that person the opportunity to right a wrong they created. But instead, they blamed 99.9% of their shady behaviour on me.

(I must remind all readers I’ve spent many hours helping this person when they were at their lowest.)

‘How can you miss me, when I’ve not been present?’

I’ll highlight what happened a few months ago, they reached out and apologised for how much they hurt me. They then reiterated their want to remain friends and keep our connection going…

Who am I to define my worth? I’m a woman that will no longer devalue herself for the confidence of a weak person. *No matter how much sugar you sprinkle, you’ll never be sweet enough to tempt me back with a false declaration of any kind.

‘How can you miss me, when I’ve not been present?’

Great question! I’ll repeat myself, I missed you immensely this morning. As I woke up reminiscing over the good times we shared when you were a real friend. A friendship I was proud to have and cherished with my heart.

Today I waited until 1520 to eat something, I couldn’t focus on anything else but my memories of my Grandad and your ignorant messages. All of which have been erased.

It took me less than 24hrs to accept the fact that in this reality, I’m worth more than you’ll ever accept. It will always be rejected by you until that second arrives where you’re feeling like this! Or similar, maybe worse. No one stays on a high forever, my friend.

Clarity?
Mourning the loss of a loved one has my mind speeding around like Sonic the Hedgehog searching for Dr Egg-man. I’m hurting right now and my healthy meals today have been a shambles. A source I turned to for comfort? Was the worst decision I’ve made this year!

However, I left that conversation with a positive mindset. If someone could be so indignant to the fact that they’re the ones that trash everything they touch. Then who am I to stop them? My life is far more nourishing without a selfless person buzzing through then they need my support.

I’ve benefitted from having the sense to walk away, fool me once? shame on you, fool me twice? A lesson learned on my part.

From earlier…
Well, not much to say now. I’ve practised reflective writing online and shared with anyone reading this, how I felt today of all days and how my stupid actions led to some key changes! Especially concerning that person.

From dinner time…
I’ll revert to my healthy eating and move on from my moment of weakness from the delicious homemade banana cake.

From tomorrow…
Well, who knows what the future holds?

I do know that I’ll continue to grow and be even more amazing than ever.

I also know that some of this waffling makes sense to someone else, including my future self.

Take away?

I want anyone reading this to take away the facts:
• It’s perfectly fine to be upset!
• We all eat the wrong foods from time to time, acknowledge, accept and continue forward!
• When someone dies it can mess up everything you had in check! Accept it and work on repairing it. Stay strong and focused.
• Sometimes friendships come to an end. These ends can be timely like a few people I no longer see from uni – life gets in the way and you sometimes drift. Or abruptly, where your fraudulent friendship (that the other person requested) hits a wall made of solid shit and knocks some real sense into your blurry thought process.
• It’s perfectly fine and I implore anyone and everyone to vent! Preferably by way of pen and paper or blog post. There is no benefit to your mental health, holding onto anything that causes you pain and upset! Get it out and trust me, you’ll feel like an upgrade of your former self, once you do.

Finally!
Thank you for allowing me to vent here! For reading my authentic and partially nonsensical ramble about my inner world.

I appreciate this safe space to correspond, vocalise my feelings and learn from events such as today.

If ever I felt I had banged my head this morning and woke up in a mountain of confusion. I’m now sitting comfortably in my home, listening to the mellow sounds of lo-fi beats and remembering who the fuck I am.

Love

Unique Fatso

Ps: ‘Abundance is my birth right.’ – Unique 2020