Earlier this week, I felt stifled with my life.
Everyone inside and out just taking up space it was impossible to breathe. I find that when I can’t think straight, I prefer to be alone – even when people are just trying to help and offer advice.
I’m highly indecisive when put on the spot, and as an over-thinker, my thoughts often consume the present moment, and I feel the urge to step away. And so I do…I end any kind of relationship because I feel undeserving when my mind is full.
I don’t mean to push people away…My body felt tense, and it didn’t help to be on my period. I am sensitive as fuck on my period – which can be both pleasure and pain. I’ll cry at an image of a duckling, or I’ll wince at the cramps that pinch by the minute, and seem to remain despondent to the soft gel, fast-acting ibuprofen I’ve taken. And I felt like, by closing off and effectively shutting down conversations, it would mean I could relax and finally have some time for myself.
However, I missed them…I got back in touch and apologised – It wasn’t a straightforward apology. As an over-thinker, I have the uncanny ability to think a lot in a short space of time, it was a matter of days before I realised I had made a mistake. I disconnected my connection – I have friends, but this particular friend I have a connection with.
I thought at the time that I needed to walk away, I didn’t feel I could be a good friend. I was self-deprecating. Because, well it’s too deep to explain – trust that I realised I made a wrong decision.
I then had two days to myself, to think and resolve matters – it was an utter delight!
I reviewed everything and came to the conclusion that I need to stop running away from things that seem impossible or scary. I simply need to hold my head and own it, whatever it is!
Our lives were never sketched out to be the definition of perfect! We were never placed here to be drowned in happiness. Shit happens, and it’s shitty, but you have to own it. (That’s a pretty shit analogy, I know.)
No one in this universe or any other universe will live their life where every single second is filled with joy, happiness and an abundance in love.
Yesterday, I stopped running from that fear. I turned around and ran towards it.
I have faith in myself that I have made the right decision, and I will harvest fruits.
Going forward, when I need space, I’m just going to take it!
I’m never going to push anyone away again, I’m merely going to take a couple of days and think about the situation, and find amicable solutions.
The freedom of thoughts came when I let the walls down and stop running.
Imagination can be good and evil, remember to look at the whole picture and work on the cause first! The symptoms will either be alleviated or cured completely.
*Special thank you to my avocado, you mean the world to me…