End of Me

End of Me

For the past few months, I’ve been experiencing horrendous pain during menstruation. 

I knew that my diet at the time (meat-based.) Was a massive contribution to Monthly Menstruation Madness and Period Pains. Which was the main reason why I switched to a vegetarian/almost vegan, plant-based diet.

     That choice I made a couple of months ago, helped to subside the pain a fair amount. However, recently, I’ve felt pain in my lower abdomen and sought medical advice from my GP (General Practitioner.) 

A few clicks on her pc and the printer generates, she advised that I have endometriosis. In a cold, nonplussed manner – she barely looked at me, as she voiced ‘You should just get an IUD fitted, and if you don’t like it, you can take it out after six months.’

     I looked up at her and replied, ‘but I’m in my thirties now, and I want to have  children.’ She shrugged her shoulders and continued to type and retorted, ‘ its a piece of plastic.’ It’s a simple procedure. She stapled the freshly printed documents and slide them across to me. Intrauterine System from nhs.co.uk while stating, ‘You may struggle to conceive, or you may not be able to conceive at all.’

     That was the very second my heart broke into trillions of fleshy pieces, about a tenth of a zygote!

Dr (?) never cared that she crushed my dreams of motherhood, or that she inadvertently spurred on a sense of fear and isolation. She simply slid another batch of NHS printed paper my way Endometriosis and my eyes scanned their way down to a subheading: Age and Plans for Pregnancy

“Symptoms often improve during pregnancy. Also, the longer you have endometriosis, the greater the chance of reduced fertility. You may need to take this into account if you have plans for having children.” – NHS

Finally, she turned and faced me, I thought for a moment, she was finally ready to show empathy. Instead she rolled back on her chair a little and said, ‘I’ve referred you to a specialist, you’ll receive an appointment by post.’ She stood, walked over to the door and opened it. I scrambled about a little, just placing everything into my bag. I stared at her as I passed and then thought She is not concerned about your health and well-being.

 Upon returning home, I lay on my bed and cried myself to sleep.

It was a few hours later I woke up and just stared out of my bedroom window, at the sunlight warming my body. I held my stomach as that familiar dull ache, punched my lower abdomen in a desperate plea for me to acknowledge it. I thought about my dreams to become an amazing mother to three children. I thought about how I longed to master the art of baking apple-pie and to pass my recipe down to my legacy. Tears pushed through once more, and I allowed myself to just let go.

I’ve been trying to stay positive and await the appointment from the specialist.  However, I’ve slowly been rotating ‘acceptance’ on my mind, that I’ll never create babies. This isn’t me giving up on a huge part of what I want out of my life. This is me thinking rationally.

I will still continue my vegetarian/almost vegan diet.

I have begun to read up on foods that are good for reproduction. I understand that there is no cure for endometriosis, I accept that I’m not a scientist or even a nutritionist. That does not mean that I too, can’t search for a cure, albeit naturally. 

I aspire to improve on the frequent rounds of excruciating pain and discomfort I experience, during such times. I will continue to eat more plant-based, in the hopes that one day, I will have discovered a cure for the pain, if anything else.

I want others to take away from this post, that although aspects of life can be very disheartening. I want you to take away the motivation to continue on and to push through. 

“Remember, we are all human. Therefore, your contribution to discussions help and I implore you all to have conversations about things that knock you down. And equally, how you triumphed and became a stronger person” – Unique Fatso